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is it a hidden truth or hopeless  fantasy ?

im starting to lose faith and trust

was i too into it that i just close my eyes and fantasize for something that is not real ?

i dont want to get hurt , not at all , but i cant help but flinch myself into that fierce fire
i want to mentally prepare and protect myself but no matter how hard i tried , i failed  ..........

what can i do then ?
I am craving for a hug , a so tight hug that I can feel being loved .
it is true that when you stay in the dark for so long , you will slowly forgot the warm and beauty of the sun . You leaned to bury your homesickness deep down in your heart after locking with a thousand clocks . You promise yourself to open it when you are actually home .
It is never as easy as it sounds . There is something growing bigger and heavier day by day , you try to hide it but in the end you find yourself crying to sleep . The bottled up emotions are wearing you out and you blindly seek the protection from others or do every thing to distract yourself.
The first six months , you stayed in the bath room , let the sound of the water hide your cry .
After one year passed , successfully busy yourself with homeworks  , houseworks , ... you think that you will be just fine on your own . But the flashbacks of the happy meal with your dad , mom and brother crossed your mind more frequently. The voice of your mom calling you , the sad eye with hidden emotions of your dad , his jokes , his stories , the bright smile of your brother , ..Just a mere image of them can drive you insane , and the desire of holding them are growing so strong . One call a week from your brother is never enough , three or four calls from your dad and mom per week can never alleviate the longing ...

You dont know how long you can control your sickness , you have no idea how to make it stop growing , and you are afraid that your insanity is losing ..piece by piece ..

You are not going to be fine but you will try to be ~

* I want you to be proud of me :) *

"And I feel just like,
I’m living,
Someone else’s life,
It’s like i just stepped outside,
When everything was going right,
And I no just why you could not come along with me,
‘Cause this was not your dream,
But you always believed in me."


Awww I have been too lazy these days  , I dont even update my blog on Yahoo 360 !
I am kind of stressing out and ..freaking out lately  , oh , all thanks to SAT :) . I make up my mind that that I will take it on this may ,but .. a part of me is regretting that decision . Awww , I just want to vent out my stressing , take a deep breath and then continue to memorize all the freaking long vocabularies . Aaaaaaa , also , the lack of YunJae's real actions is driving me insane !!! guys , do something *LOL* . Ok , thats all  !  I guess I will delete this entry soon ... Aww.
I miss my Dad , my Mom , my lil brother KA like hell . I wish I could fly back to Vietnam in just 5 seconds , just to catch a glimse of  their faces . Damn ! Staying by yourself is free and independent but also frustrating and ....desperating. Ok, Im getting better at hiding my own feeling now , just putting on a mask then fake a smile , freaking easy , right ? I can continue locking all my feelings and nostelegia deep down in my small heart and then 2 years later ~ I will set them free ! I promise !

Aug. 30th, 2008

Hi :) My name is Alex and I'll turn 17 this Feb 20 . I'm Vietnamese but I'm staying in CA , USA for studying ~ 
I'm also a YunJae-addict :P , I like reading fan fictions and listening to DBSK's songs .

Here is my AIM :alexitsmyname
 Yahoo: alex_itsmyname@yahoo.com.vn

You guys can add me and we can chat about YunJae :D



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